


don't let me drown (what doesn't destroy you leaves you broken instead)

by forever_trapped_in_my_dreams



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, Badass Pirate Inej, F/M, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Just two people in love working through their trauma, Minor Jesper Fahey/Wylan Van Eck, Mutual Pining, Nina Zenik is a queen, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Soft Kaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:15:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24745945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forever_trapped_in_my_dreams/pseuds/forever_trapped_in_my_dreams
Summary: A collection of Kaz/Inej moments as they overcome their demons. Each chapter will have warnings as needed.She was always in the back of his mind. When he was walking down the dark alleys on east stave, he imagined he could see her shadow flitting across the rooftops. Of course, he knew that if she was really there he would never see so much as a swish of her cloak in the moonlight, but it didn't keep him from hoping.Title from Drown by Bring Me the Horizon
Relationships: Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa
Comments: 20
Kudos: 169





	1. Hands

**Author's Note:**

> This will be a little series with each chapter representing a step forward in Kaz and Inej's relationship. I've written another chapter and started on at least one more, so you can expect a little more from this story. ;)

Kaz had a problem. He was the Bastard of the Barrel, Dirtyhands himself and yet he couldn't shake it. 

Couldn't shake _her,_ that is. 

She was always in the back of his mind. When he was walking down the dark alleys on east stave, he imagined he could see her shadow flitting across the rooftops. Of course, he knew that if she was really there he would never see so much as a swish of her cloak in the moonlight, but it didn't keep him from hoping. 

He should be staying alert, keeping vigilant, not harboring feelings for the girl who left him to find her destiny. _And you love her all the more for it._ He ignored the thought as it tried to shove it's way into the forefront of his mind. 

Kaz leaned back in his chair and tugged his bare fingers through his hair. The sides were getting long; he'd need to shave them again soon. 

And there was Inej again, clear in his mind's eye. She had used to help him cut his hair, back when they were just a Barrel boss and the Wraith.

Inej had used to tease him about his hair every time he was sat in the chair, a towel draped around his shoulders and a glinting knife in her hands. 

"You know," she had said during one of those times, "They say that the little children who whisper about the evils of Dirtyhands claim that his haircut is the scariest thing about him." She had stood behind him, but he could hear the smirk in her voice even as she shaved the hair on the sides of his head shorter, deft fingers avoiding his scalp. 

It had been the unspoken compromise they had come to. He got a haircut and she got to see the side of him with some of his walls pulled down. 

But she didn't touch him. 

"If only they knew who his barber was," he'd said and allowed himself an almost smile. 

Those quiet moments between the two of them were some of his favorites to recall. Until the bitter truth of reality fell back upon him and reminded him that Inej was out at sea, making a name for herself, chasing down slavers and feeding them to the sharks. 

Sometimes things had progressed beyond the soft evenings of haircuts and banter. 

One night, when he had been feeling particularly brave, he had asked if they could try something. "Only if you want," he had stammered cursing at saints he didn't believe in. _Why had he asked her, she'd had enough of men trying to--_

"Kaz?" Her voice broke through his racing thoughts. He blinked at her. "I… I do. Want to-- that is." 

Then she had smiled at him and he felt his heartbeat quicken. If he hadn't known better, he would have thought there was a heartrender hiding in one of the shadows forcing his heart rate higher. He did know better, though. Inej just had an effect on him that could be likened to the magic of the Grisha. 

Kaz had tried to smile back at her, to show her that he wasn't scared, but _saints_ , he was terrified. 

He expertly unfastened the buttons on the wrists of his gloves and tugged them off one by one. He closed his eyes when the comforting feel of the leather left his hands before he set them on the desk. Inej was sitting cross legged on the surface, not two inches from where his bare hands now rested. 

She lifted one hand off of her leg and held it, her palm facing him. "Is this good?" she asked. 

Kaz swallowed hard, taking the sight of her in. He had been so nervous trying to work up the courage to ask for her help that he hadn't taken the time to really look at her. 

The candlelight leant to the glow of her presence, bouncing off her golden-bronze skin, catching in her hair, glinting in her eyes. 

He nodded.

Slowly, he raised his own hand up from the desk. His pale fingers cast shadows across hers as he brought them closer until his fingertips hovered just apart from hers. He took a deep breath and willed the waters not to rise as he pressed the pads of their fingers together. 

Immediately he felt the rush of cold, but he managed to hold it back long enough to rasp, "Talk to me?" 

Inej cleared her throat. "Do you know why I feed the crows?" He shook his head. _Cold, bloated flesh against his palms--_ "They remind me of you." His eyes opened to stare at the place where their fingers connected, and he barely restrained from leaping up and dashing out of the room, despite the fact his cane was leaning against the opposite wall. 

"How so?" Is all he manages. 

"Because I know that even though you have one tattooed on your arm, the fact that I've trained them to come here pisses you off." Her words startled him so much that he couldn't even try to stifle the laugh as it came out. 

He knew the sound was slightly hysterical but he couldn't care, because then she was laughing too and he managed to press his entire palm against hers. 

They stayed there for a moment, neither of them moving, the only sound in the room the echo of their laughter. 

Up until this point, the whole exercise could have been written up as a boss asking for help from his second in command. But he could have pointed out the exact second that the mood shifted. 

He felt it when her fingers grazed his as she laced their hands together. She was blushing and he felt a heat rising in his own face when his gaze caught on the candlelight dancing across the scoop neckline of the tunic she was wearing. 

It was one she had worn dozens of times, but one that he had never fully appreciated until he found himself this close to her.

He shifted uncomfortably as he felt himself falling back into the waters. "I'm sorry," he muttered as he unclasped his hand from Inej's. His body was screaming at him to not let go, to hold her tight and never let go, but the water lapping at his chest sent a different message entirely. 

She let go and smiled hesitantly at him. "How are you feeling?" He snatched up the gloves and quickly shoved his hands into them. As he clenched his fist, the leather stretched with a soft sound and the cool feel of it against his fingers helped him regain his bearings. 

He wasn't drowning, wasn't holding onto the distended flesh for dear life, he was here, with Inej. 

"Alright, I think." When she smiled at his words, he felt a sense of satisfaction that not even breaking into and back out of the Ice Court had given him. 

"I'm glad."

The next day she had gone before dawn, off on her next voyage across the infinite sea, and Kaz was left with a tingling palm and an insatiable itch in the back of his mind. 

Now she followed him everywhere he went, forming out of and melting back into shadows. Often, his feet carried him to the harbor, wondering when she would return. She had sent him a letter, mostly insignificant news and talk of the weather, but that had been weeks ago. He knew it must be difficult out on the rolling seas, but selfishly wished she wouldn't stay out much longer. He missed her. 

And it wasn't due to the fact that she was the best spider Ketterdam had ever seen and now he was stuck with Rotty, like he told himself nearly every night. He had to admit to himself that he missed _her_ and her smile, the glint in her eye as she sharpened her knives.

Kaz's bad leg ached. It had been a long night of business, and he had walked what felt like the length of Ketterdam's stretching canals twice. Now he stood at the base of the stairs looking warily at the three flights he would have to scale before he could call it a night. He shook his head and rubbed a bit of feeling into the sore muscles, stealing his resolve. 

The thud of his cane beat rhythmically against the wood of the stairs as he made his way to the top. On nights like this, he rethought his decision to keep his bed in the attic with every painful step. 

His sigh was laced with both pain and relief when he finally made it to the top and he stood briefly in front of his door, relishing in the simple victory. 

He slipped off his coat and leaned his cane against the makeshift desk, peeling off his gloves as he sat on the edge of the bed. 

Next he toed off his shoes, too tired and sore to bend over and untie them. A quiet sound came from outside the window behind him, and he chuckled. _Those damn crows._ They came even when Inej wasn’t around to feed them anymore.

But when he heard the latch click, he turned to find the girl herself perched on the windowsill.

“You miss me?” She smiled. He couldn’t help the smile that made its way onto his face.

“Yes.” He didn’t lie to her; not when the only thought in his mind every night was wondering if she was out there, thinking of him. “Rumor is that there’s been a ship haunting the seas. They call the captain the beautiful wraith of death.” He shifted on the bed so he was facing her.

She blushed, and looked at him shyly as she hopped down from the window. “Did you just call me beautiful?”

It was his turn to flush, and he stuttered. Dirtyhands stuttering-- that was something that he never would have imagined doing. He stretched his legs out on the bed, and shrugged.

“Maybe I am.” She grinned and carefully sat on the bed beside him. Despite the fact that she had been in his room many times and he didn’t even blink when it came to changing in front of her, the act of her sitting on his bed felt eerily intimate.

“I would return the compliment, except that your hair is starting to get a little long.” He could have cut it himself. _Why hadn’t he?_

“What can I say, my barber went on leave to chase after destiny.” She laughed softly. _Saints._ When she laughed he felt that he might actually be dying. He might have to contact a healer to make sure he didn’t have a heart condition.

Kaz must have been staring, because Inej shifted. “Would you like me to help you?”

He nodded. “If you want.” Neither of them moved, and the air in the room grew tense. His bare fingers picked at the bedspread.

“I missed you.” He brought his gaze up at this. Inej was toying with the end of her braid. _When did her hair get so long?_

“I…,” he started, but he wasn’t sure what to say next. Instead, he just looked at her. Not only was her hair longer, but her skin had grown tan from her time under the sun. She had a new scar, faint, but visible on the back of her hand. His fingers twitched and he realized he’d almost reached out to touch her.

He hadn’t noticed how close they were sitting, but his bed wasn’t very large and their shoulders were inches apart.

She had moved to untangling her hair, undoing the tie and running her fingers through the braided strands. “Can….” She looked over at him when he cleared his throat. “Can I help you?”

“Oh…,” she considered it for a moment before turning her back to him, her half-undone braid hanging down her back. “Is this okay?”

Kaz swallowed. “Yes.” He breathed deeply before shakily reaching his fingers out for her hair. It was soft despite the little tangles; nothing like clammy skin.

Inej sucked in a breath when he continued working at the braid. He stopped. “Are you alright?” He wasn’t the only one with demons.

“Yes.” She paused a moment before asking. “Are you?”

“Yes,” he said. It was only a partial lie. He had long wondered what her hair would feel like beneath his fingers, but he still wished he could be more for her.

He finished undoing the braid and he hesitantly pulled away. When Inej turned around, she looked up at him, searching. “What are we?” Her voice was a whisper.

“What do you mean?” Kaz lowered his voice to the same level as hers.

She shrugged and pulled her knees up to her chest, hugging them. “Are we just Dirtyhands and the Wraith, or can we be more?” Before he could get his thoughts together, she was speaking again. “Kaz, I-- I’m broken. I had my childhood stolen from me. We both did, and now…,” she looked over at him. “Is this thing real, or are we just two people drowning together?”

Kaz sat quiet for a moment. “I want this to be real. More than anything. And Inej, I’m trying. I’m trying to let down my walls, take off the armor, but it’s like you said. We’re both broken things. I think that the only thing we can do is try.”

“Do you think we can do this?” _Fight the demons._

“I do.” He offered her a smile. “We’re Dirtyhands and the Wraith; two of the most feared people in all of Ketterdam, and we’re only eighteen. I think we can do anything we put our minds to.”

She scooted closer to him on the bed. “Can I?” She asked, nodding her head towards his shoulder.

He took a deep breath and nodded. She leaned against him, but none of their skin was touching. Her hair tickled at his neck, and he tentatively put his arm around her shoulder. “Is this okay?” She hummed and curled further into him.

Kaz let his hand tangle in her hair, and in that moment he was able to pretend that he was just a man-- a boy, holding the girl for whom he would move heaven and hell cradled in his arms.


	2. Kisses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go with chapter two! I'm so excited to share this with y'all! This chapter will have Badass Pirate! Inej. I've read a ton of Kaz/Inej fics and I didn't see too many that delved into Inej's time at sea and I wanted to try it out. :)
> 
> Also, WARNING: This chapter references Inej's time in the Menagerie (implied/referenced non-con), but again, nothing graphic. Stay safe!

Inej looked up from her table of maps when a knock sounded on the door of her cabin.

"Come in," she called. Specht poked his head in the door and cleared his throat. 

"The Queen Mary's been spotted on the horizon, captain." Finally. They had been chasing her for days now. 

"Good. Approach from the starboard side, and prepare the ropes." He nodded and made to leave. "And Specht?"

He paused, one hand on the door handle. "Yes, captain?"

"Have the crew ready to board." His grin glinted darkly as he nodded. 

Inej busied herself in checking her knives were sharp. She wouldn't be leaving any of the men she found on board alive. A pang of guilt thudded in her chest, but she shook it off with a promise to serve penance for every life she took. 

She knew the Saints would forgive her. These were not righteous men, they were evil; snatching children from coasts to sell to the pleasure houses or as indentures. 

Inej murmured a prayer as she thumbed her blades. 

When she heard the noise above deck rise, she made her way out. The wind whipped at the strands of hair that had fallen from her braid and tugged at her tunic.

A cheer rose up from the crew when they saw her, and they quickly went back to their work. They were fast approaching the Queen Mary, so close she could see the other ship's crew scrambling on its deck. 

The hooks were tossed, dragging ropes across the quickly closing gap between the two ships. A shout went up as the battle began, Inej's ragtag crew against the scum of the earth. 

Inej's knives found each of their targets, the saints guiding her hands. Captain Jaskell of the Queen Mary was the last to fall under her blade and she wiped the blood from her hands and her precious knives on the torn and tattered sails of the ex-slaving ship. 

She was the first down the stairwell into the holding bay of the ship. A wave of frightened whispers spread as she looked around at the gaunt faces of the people-- the children chained to the walls. Even though she had done this a dozen times, she still was pulled back into the memories of when she had been shackled in a ship just like this one. 

"You don't need to be scared. The men who hurt you are dead. You're free now." She spoke first in Ravkan and then in Kerch. One of her crew translated it into a handful of other languages and Inej watched as the faces around her softened. A few of the younger ones began to cry in relief. 

She tossed a key to someone standing beside her and made her way around the bay unlatching chains and figuring out who would need a translator. 

That night when the children had been fed and put to sleep, Inej lay in her own bunk and cried. On days like this she was often pulled back into the days of her time at the Menagerie. 

She had been so numb, dead to the world. She had flirted, smiled, and moaned, just as Tante Heleen had taught all the girls that she sold on a daily basis.

She had made the decision to take the boat Kaz offered in order to get some kind of vengeance, to get closure. And how had that turned out for her?

 _You’ve saved dozens of children who were just like you_ , she told herself, but it didn’t make the hurt go away.

She should be able to get through this, beat back the demons that haunted her. What had Kaz said? _We can do anything we put our minds to._ If only Kaz could see her now. 

Inej rolled onto her back and imagined he was there beside her.

" _Inej_." She loved when he said her name in his rough voice. 

Her thoughts wandered to his hands, bare and gloveless. They were pale, just like the rest of him, but they were soft. The softness was in contrast with everything else about Kaz. His sharp jaw and cheekbones, his perfectly tailored suits, even his stupid haircut, she thought with a smile. 

_Saints_ , she missed him. 

Last time she had harbored in Ketterdam, she had gone to him at the Slat. The memory of his fingers in her hair made her stomach erupt into a swirl of butterflies. They had sat, just holding each other, for hours. 

When she closed her eyes, she imagined she was back in the attic room in the Slat, Kaz beside her on his bed. 

She would smile at him and ask if she could hold his hand. Then he would gingerly wrap his fingers around her own and rub at one of the new scars she had gotten on the sea. His eyes would search hers and he would lean in and cup her cheek, make a soft noise in his throat when his lips--

Inej snapped her eyes open. Wait. What was she thinking? She sat up all the way and rubbed at her face. She had never-- not in a million years, looked at someone before and wanted… _that_. 

Intimacy, sex, it had been tainted for her due to all the times she'd had those things taken from her. The times she'd endured it being forced upon her. 

Did she even want that with Kaz? Could she share those things with him without the demons coming for her, without disappearing? 

Could _he?_

They returned to Ketterdam two weeks later. Fifth Harbor was bustling with the business of the afternoon. Ships docked and were unloading cargo; shipments of jurda, sugar, and wheat were loaded into crates and stacked on the dock. Voices called in half a dozen languages, bartering, barking orders, calling greetings. The salt of the ocean mixed with the coal and pollution in the air, making Inej wrinkle her nose. She had spent the past two and a half months on the sea and she sighed. 

Whether or not she liked it, Ketterdam had become her home.

When onlookers saw the name painted on the side of her ship as they pulled into a berth, they stopped and whispered. A few even pointed. The Wraith had returned.

The crew walked off the gangplank, triumphant. They would spend the next week resting, restocking their supplies. Some of the newer recruits were looking forward to seeing the splendor that Ketterdam had to offer first hand. She scoffed. They would be severely disappointed. 

Even if she felt some kind of attachment to the city that had raised her, she wouldn’t call it ‘nice.’

Inej looked at the sun; it was only a few hours until it would set. The summer months were fast drawing to a close and the sun was setting earlier. Soon, the dark cold of the winter would arrive. But not yet. There were still a few more weeks of summer heat left. She wrapped her coat around her shoulders, despite the beat of the sun, and pulled the hood up. She may be the Wraith, but she still had enemies in Ketterdam. 

Inej wanted nothing more than to go all the way to the Slat, find Kaz, and talk to him about the things she was feeling. Her confusion, and the desires that had started to boil inside her. They were in this together, weren’t they? But he was probably busy-- the Crow Club would be opening for the evening in an hour or two-- and so, though it pained her, she forced her feet to go a different direction.

Her first stop was the Van Eck mansion. She knocked on the front door and held her breath. Maybe they weren’t home? But no, there was a soft rustle on the other side, and then a curly haired boy, spotted with freckles stood in front of her. “Inej!” Perhaps it wasn’t proper for a mercher to open his own door, but Wylan was anything but conventional.

“Wylan.” She smiled when he enveloped her in a hug. He wasn’t tall by any standards; he was only a few inches taller than her, but she pressed into the warmth of his arms. She missed this. When he pulled away, he waved her inside.

“Come in, come in.” He grinned. “Jes!” His voice carried into the large home. The tall boy walked out of what must have been the office. 

“Wylan, I thought you were goin’ to get-- Inej!” His face lit up. “The Wraith returns to Ketterdam.”

“So I have,” she untied her cloak and hung it on the hook by the door.

“I thought using the front door wasn’t your style.” He joked, and Wylan jabbed him with an elbow. 

“Leave her alone, Jesper. She’s been gone for nearly three months, and the first thing you do when she’s back is tease her. Where are your manners?”

“I thought you liked it when I acted improperly.” Wylan’s face blushed pink and he spluttered.

“I-- You... you’re the worst.” 

Inej laughed, and felt a weight lift off her shoulders as she observed the simple domesticity of the boys standing in front of her. 

The two invited her to stay for dinner and she accepted. The longer she stayed away from Kaz, the longer it would be until she would be forced to face the source of her confusion.

Dinner was a quaint affair, and after a long conversation of the news Inej had heard while traveling, she stood. “I should probably be going now.” It was fully dark outside.

Kaz would be prowling the streets at this hour. She tried to put thoughts of him out of mind.

Jesper stood as well, and offered to walk her to the door. Wylan gave her one last hug before wishing her goodnight.

“Inej?” She turned around as she finished fastening her coat. “Be careful out there.”

“Jes, you know me. I’m always careful.” He pulled her into a quick embrace before grinning wickedly at her.

“You goin’ to see Kaz?” Her face grew warm and she shrugged. “Good luck,” he winked and she fled into the night.

Though it had been dark for a few hours, the city seemed to only just be waking up. The lights in the Barrel shone bright. It would have blocked out the stars, if the fog and smoke from the city hadn’t covered them already. Inej climbed onto the rooftop of a nearby building. She shimmied up the downspout and perched on the edge of the roof. She was home. 

Well, not quite.

She turned her gaze toward the section of the city where the Slat stood. She needed to see Kaz, even if she had to pretend like she was perfectly fine, just the same Inej that he always saw.

So she went, rooftop to rooftop, making her way into the pit of the Barrel. She avoided the West Stave. She told herself it was because he had no business there, that she needn’t waste her time trying to find him in the crowds of those seeking pleasure, dressed in masks and capes to hide their identities. In truth, she still couldn’t bear to walk the West Stave alone.

She eventually wound up sitting on the roof of a building across the canal from the Crow Club. He would be coming by at some point to check on business, and if he was already inside, she could just wait for him to leave and head back to the Slat.

She waited for half an hour and was beginning to rethink her options when she finally caught sight of him. He was talking with Anika as he exited the den, walking past barkers and vendors as if he were blind to them. They stood for a moment, just by the door before he turned and continued alone.

Inej followed, always a block or two behind, keeping to the shadows. He turned down an alley, and she hurried to catch up, not wanting to lose sight of him. Saints knew that he would be damn near impossible to find if she lost track of him.

When she looked down the alley he had just gone down, she saw the swish of his coat turning into a side street. She jogged the length of the alley, and found him when she made it to the end. He was leaning against the wall, arms crossed over his chest and a sly grin adorning his face. 

“Did you really think you could sneak up on me, Inej?” She smiled and shook her head.

“No.”

“I heard you docked earlier this afternoon.” He stood and put his weight on his cane. 

“I did.” She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “I went and saw Wylan and Jesper first. I thought you might be busy.” 

“Never too busy to see you.” He moved closer to her, and she felt her heartbeat quicken. She looked him over in the dim light of the alley they stood in. He looked the same as he always did. Impeccable suit, imitating the black of the merchers, gloves, slicked back hair. She brought her eyes back to his face and was flustered to see that he was looking at _her_ too.

“Where were you headed?” She cleared her throat when her voice cracked slightly. 

“You mean, before you accosted me?” He grinned and readjusted his weight. “I was going to go look for you.”

“I’m here now,” she said, and he nodded. He stretched out a gloved hand and took her own in his grasp. 

“I’m glad.”

“I missed you,” she blurted. And she had. She had missed him so much it almost hurt.

“I missed you, too.” He stepped closer. His warm breath brushed her cheek and she had to look up at him now. “So damn much.” She heard a slight intake of breath before he spoke again. “Can I…,” he swallowed. “May I kiss you, Inej?” Her heart melted at the sound of his words, murmured so softly; a stark contrast to his harsh appearance. 

She had to stand on her toes to reach him, but she pressed a soft kiss to his lips. His arm not propping him against his cane wrapped around her, and his gloved hand found the nape of her neck, under where her braid was coiled into a bun. The only skin that was touching was their lips, but it was enough to electrify her to her core. Her eyes fluttered closed as he kissed her back.

After what felt like an eternity, but was likely only a few moments, Inej pulled away. Her heartbeat thudded in her throat, fear overtaking her. She opened her eyes. _It’s just Kaz, you’re here with Kaz. You_ wanted _to kiss him._

“Are you alright?” His voice was hoarse and his cheeks were slightly flushed when she looked at him.

She gripped his gloved hand and nodded. But her heart was pounding, thoughts racing. Her gaze drifted to the brick wall behind him, bad memories surging behind her eyes.

She was startled into looking up at him when he cupped her face, the cool leather of his glove brushing her cheek. “Inej?” She felt like a frightened animal. Hadn’t she wanted this? Fantasized about it for weeks as she lay in her bunk? “Are you with me?”

The noise of East Stave seemed to be flooding into the alley where they stood, and she was suddenly too warm. “Inej?” Kaz’s voice broke through it all, stone grinding on stone.

“Keep talking.” Her voice was shaky, and she squeezed her eyes shut. “Please?”

“Okay.” He moved his hand to her shoulder. He understood what she was feeling, understood the way it felt to drown. So he murmured soft words in her ear, spoke encouragements, and told her how much he had missed her.

“Inej, you are one of the strongest people I know, and I know that you can get through this. The bastards that hurt you deserve to pay; I’ll make them pay. But right now, I know you can beat them. You deserve the world Inej. I just hope I can be enough to deserve you.”

It was all she could do to listen to him, and his voice anchored her in the moment. She had kissed him, had _wanted_ to kiss him. 

And she would be lying if she said it wasn’t good.

She looked up at him, and his voice halted. “Do you really think that?”

Kaz smiled at her. “I may be a dishonest man, Inej, but that doesn’t mean I can’t tell the truth.” 

She pulled away from where she had pressed into his shoulder and took his hand in hers. “Thank you,” she said, looking at where his glove was hidden by her hand. “For helping me.” She flushed remembering the soft press of his lips against hers. “And for the kiss, too.”

“It was nice,” he agreed, and he offered her his arm. _Always the gentleman_ , she smiled.

“Where are we going?” She asked as she took it, hesitantly. 

“Wherever you want to go.” His smile was sincere. 

“Take me home?” 

Later, when they got back to the Slat, they curled up beside each other in Kaz’s bed, and Inej thought that she would be happy to lay there forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! If you would like, please leave a comment on your thoughts! Kudos are appreciated <3
> 
> I may have another chapter in the works, but again, this fic is mostly non-linear.


	3. Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are heating up ;)
> 
> Warnings: language, and heated kissing

Inej was sitting in his lap, knife in hand, the first time he said it. 

“I love you.” It was only three words, but those words held all the meaning in the world. He had been studying her as she worked at cutting his hair, her face mear inches from his, so close he could see the way her eyes shone in the candlelight. The words had slipped out of his mouth without his thinking about them, but once they were out, he couldn’t deny the truth.

She pulled back from where she had been focusing on the knife held in her grasp, and stared.

“What are you looking at?” He asked, shifting a bit. His hands were resting on her hips, his gloves lay forgotten on the desk. The only thing separating their skin was the thin cotton of her tunic. His eyes dragged down to where he was holding her waist, and moved his thumbs carefully over the fabric there.

“You…,” she laughed softly, shaking her head. “You _love_ me?” 

“If this isn’t love, then I’m not sure what is."

"Kaz, you can't just _say_ something like that." She was blushing, cheeks beautifully pink.

He cocked his head. “Why not? It’s true.”

She stood, and his hands fell from their place on her hips. “This isn’t how it’s supposed to happen,” she gestured with her knife. “I’m trying to cut your hair for saints’ sake! Saints know you need it.” 

“You didn’t have to stop,” he smiled, but she frowned at him. “I’m sorry, I know I’m taking things a little fast--”

“Kaz, this thing between is nothing new. It’s not that it’s too fast, it’s just not the way…,” she trailed off. 

“Not the way you imagined?” Kaz finished for her.

She sighed and stepped closer to him, tucking her knife into it’s sheath. Her hand came up to his cheek, but she kept an inch or two away. She knew his boundaries. 

But he was willing to cross them for her.

He leaned into her hand, cheek brushing against skin that had become calloused in the time she had spent on the sea. Closing his eyes, he focused on the warmth she held. 

“Can I tell you a secret?” He nodded as she spoke. “I wanted to be the first one to say it.” She murmured into his ear and settled herself back on his lap, hand still resting on his cheek. Kaz could hear the smile in her voice.

When he opened his eyes, she was looking at him, so close he could--

“I love you.” Even as she said the words, he could see her cheeks flush and she ducked her head. She pulled her hand away from his cheek and pressed it against her own. “Saints, it’s warm in here.” She laughed before she straightened, squaring her shoulders. “Kaz, can I kiss you?”

He leaned in until their noses were nearly touching. “Yes,” he whispered, so quiet he wasn’t sure it would be audible above the sound of his pounding heart. 

But then her lips were against his, soft and searching. She pulled away for a moment and breathed, “Is this alright?”

Instead of an answer, he pulled her close and kissed her. His arms wrapped around her, and her hands found his face again. She was so warm, so _alive_. The waters didn’t make it past his ankles. Inej looped her arms around his neck and he groaned when her fingers dug into his hair. 

He felt her smile against his lips. The feared Dirtyhands was clay in her hands and he would gladly let her mold him into whatever she wanted.

They kissed until Kaz’s lungs screamed at him for air and he reluctantly pulled away, chest heaving. Inej’s lips were swollen pink, cheeks were flushed, and hair slightly unkempt. 

And she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.

“I love you,” he said, leaning in to kiss her cheek. “I love you.” His lips found a place below her ear that made her gasp. “I love you,” he breathed against her throat.

Kaz continued, lips exploring, the words repeated like a prayer. He grinned when she let out a soft moan, and pressed one last kiss to her shoulder before straightening. She was still perched in his lap, but she had become dishevelled. Her tunic was pulled down over one shoulder and her fingers were curling against the hem of his shirt, but there was something growing in her eyes. 

She couldn’t meet his gaze.

“We don’t have to keep going,” he said not just to her, but himself as well. “I know you can’t--”

She shut him up with a harsh kiss. When she pulled away, her eyes were wet. “Please don’t. I have a hard enough time trying to keep them out of my head without you reminding me.” 

“I’m sorry.” He grasped at her hand as she stood.

“You shouldn’t be.” Inej pulled her tunic into place and smoothed back her hair. Kaz pretended he didn’t notice her swipe inconspicuously at the tears beginning to fall. 

“Inej, you don’t have to--”

“No, Kaz.” Even though her voice was quiet, he could still hear the anger in it. “I don’t _have_ to do anything. But I _want_ to. And I fucking can’t.” 

“I can’t either.” She stopped pulling at her sleeve and stared at him, gloveless and vulnerable. “But I love you, even if I can never touch you the way I truly want to.” He stood, leaning on the desk for support. “The fact that I was able to hold you in my arms and kiss you, even if it was only for a little while, is a miracle. Do you know how I was able to do it?”

“How?” Her whisper was almost inaudible.

“Because of you.” He limped closer to her. “Because you are so strong. I wish I had half the courage you have.” She was crying again, but a smile played at her lips as he spoke. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” She stepped into his open arms and he sighed as she settled into his chest. 

Kaz smiled; he was happy.

Three days later, as he half carried Inej towards the Slat, he regretted every word of his confession.

He had limped down every canal, every alleyway, looking for the Wraith, but she had disappeared. It was unlike her to leave without saying goodbye. But that wasn’t what had worried him.

It was the fact that her ship had still been docked in the harbor. 

He had fought through dozens of Blacktips and Razorgulls who should have known better than to hurt the one person in the world he truly loved. 

_If you hadn’t gotten so attached, maybe you wouldn’t be limping with her through the city you own,_ said a voice in his head that sounded uncannily like Jordie. 

He considered the thought for a moment, but then Inej was groaning and he shoved it away. He didn’t have time for distractions. Not when Inej was bleeding, and limping almost as bad as he was.

Kaz led them down a secluded alley; he hadn’t stopped to make sure she was alright since he had marched out of the Black Tips’ den, her arm slung over his shoulder. “Kaz.” She leaned against the wall, chest heaving. Her hand was pressed against her side. “They got the drop on me. I’m so sorry, I--”

“What did they do to you?” Leaning on the opposite wall, he rubbed at his sore leg.

“Kaz… Don’t--”

“I asked you a question.” His heart panged when a look of fear flashed in her eyes. He hadn’t meant to raise his voice like that, but he needed to know. “Please, Inej. What did they do?”

She refused to meet his gaze, and she was blinking fast as if to hold back tears. “Nothing.”

“Don’t. Don’t fucking lie to me.” He moved across the narrow alley and took her face between his hands, making her look at him. It was hard to look into the pain she held in her eyes, but he forced himself to do it. _It’s your fault_ , the voice sounded again.

After a moment, she slumped against the wall, sniffing. “What would you do if I told you the truth?”

“If they hurt you--” With a shove, she pushed past him.

“I’m not a fucking porclain doll, Kaz. I can take care of myself!” 

“I know that.” 

“Do you?” Inej winced, and she pulled her hand away from her cheek red with blood. “I could have gotten myself out.”

“You shouldn’t have to. Not when…,” he cursed under his breath and ran his gloved hand through his hair. “Not when it’s _my_ fault that they went after you in the first place.”

She looked at him through the curtain of her hair. She never wore it down; it must have fallen from its place in her braid during her imprisonment. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Don’t you get it? I screwed the gangs over one too many times and they thought the best way to hurt me was to hurt you.”

“Can we not talk about this now? I’m in a lot of pain and I just want to go home.” With a swallow, Kaz wrapped her arm around his shoulders again and continued their slow trek towards the Slat.

The Dregs scattered around the ground floor of the den looked up when the two entered, but they remained silent. If any of them found it suspicious that the two were limping up to his room alone, they didn’t say anything.

Once they were in the safety of Kaz’s room and he lit the candle on the desk, he was able to truly assess the damage the gangs had done to Inej. She sat on the edge of his bed, but hissed when she tried to lean down and take her shoes off. 

“Here,” Kaz muttered. He helped her rest her back against the pillows and then unlaced the slippers. “Better?”

She nodded wordlessly.

“Look,” he sighed. “I’m sorry about earlier. I just…,” he sat heavily leaning his cane against the bed. “I’m so afraid.” He couldn’t lift his eyes from his gloved hands.

“Afraid of what?” He felt her hand on his shoulder through his heavy coat.

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“Kaz, pulling away won’t make this any better. You’ll just make things harder for both of us.” She tugged him closer. “I don’t want to lose you either.”

Kaz relented and moved beside her, stretching out his bad leg. Inej helped him with his coat, and it fell to the floor. She was warm beside him, and when she took his hands into her own, unfastening his gloves, he couldn’t look at her.

He shouldn’t be sitting here with her, shouldn’t be letting her touch him, shouldn’t be loving her. But he was only a man.

So when she kissed him, he kissed her back.

“Inej,” he murmured against her lips. “I can’t…”

“Saints, Kaz. Look.” Inej pulled away. “I’m fine, aren’t I?” He brushed a finger lightly over the bruise on her eye. “Mostly fine,” she relented. “But I love you Kaz. So good luck trying to scare me off.” She pressed a kiss against his jaw

“Inej,” he gasped when she moved to sit in his lap. “What are you doing?”

“Kissing you,” she said with her lips against his ear. Her mouth found his neck and he groaned. 

“You,” he panted, “are going to be the death of me.” He let her continue down his throat, pushing away the cold, wet smell of the harbor and the waters as they lapped up his legs. The warmth of her breath on his skin and her fingers in his hair grounded him, anchoring him in the moment.

“I love you.” His moan was lost in the quiet air of the attic. “Inej…”

_I love you, I love you, I love you_ …

_You’re putting her in danger_ , said the voice, even as Inej found his lips with her own. _She’s going to get hurt._ You’re _going to get hurt._

Kaz didn’t mind so much. He felt alive, if only for a moment.

After a blissful eternity, he pulled away and studied her face in the candlelight. A large bruise encircled one of her beautiful eyes, and she had a long cut running across her cheek. The blood there had congealed in patches, and a gash on her forehead had bled into her hair.

But she was beautiful.

“What did they do to you?” This time when he asked, she held his gaze.

“They just roughed me up a bit. Tossed me in a cell, threatened to kill me, you know, a regular old Tuesday for us." She smiled at him and he couldn't resist reaching out to brush her hair away from her face. 

"You're beautiful, you know that?" She looked away from him for a moment at his words.

"You're not too hard on the eyes yourself, Dirtyhands."

"I love you," he whispered. That night, he held her in his arms as they fell asleep and he finally understood what true, unadulterated happiness felt like. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting this from my phone since I'm on vacation, so I'm crossing my fingers that the format isn't all screwy. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!! Comments and kudos literally make my day <3


	4. Intimacy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! The end of this little collection. I may write more in the future, but as for now I'll call this project finished. Thank you all so much for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos! It really means so much to me.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter include mentions/mildly-graphic descriptions of non-con. Stay safe!

"I missed you so much, Kaz." Inej sighed as his lips found the spot just below her ear. She felt him smile against her jaw.

"That's good, because I missed you too,  _ Captain _ ." He smirked and she felt her cheeks grow warm. "Relax, I'm teasing." 

Inej was sitting on Kaz's desk, the man himself standing between her legs. His gloveless hands were braced on either side of her as his mouth nibbled at her ear. 

“However, since you’re only landside for tonight, I might just have to make up for lost time.” His breath was warm against her cheek and butterflies erupted in her stomach. 

“I think I’ll hold you to that,” she sighed before he captured her lips in a kiss.

One of his hands moved to the small of her back and he slowly leaned her back until he was nearly laying on top of her. He propped himself up on his elbows and looked at her. His gaze was soft and Inej swore she could feel her heart flutter. “I love you.”

Her calves hurt where they were pressed into the corner of the desk and her smile faltered. Kaz, with his lips against her forehead, didn’t notice.

“Inej,” he murmured.

His lockpick’s fingers brushed the place where her tunic had ridden up. She shuddered. His hand went higher. 

Suddenly she was drowning. One moment she was leaning into his touch, the next her heart was racing and she couldn't breathe. 

"Kaz," she choked out. "Kaz, I--," her words were interrupted by a sob tearing from her chest. In an instant, Kaz was helping her up, eyes searching her face. 

"Inej? What's wrong?" He cupped her cheeks in his bare hands. 

His voice was muffled. She was underwater, sinking into the depths.

Through a haze she could feel Kaz's worried hands on her face, but as she sunk deeper, his hands morphed into those of a stranger. 

_ "What's wrong, little Lynx?" Hot, foul breath on her cheeks, rough hands kneading her shoulders painfully. A strange man stood behind her. She didn't know his name; she never knew their names. "Nervous?" _

_ Her heart thudded. Had he noticed her shaking hands? She had buried them in the cheap silks fluttering around her legs in order to hide it. Would he tell Tante Heleen? She would surely receive a beating for it. _

_ The hand on her shoulder came around her neck and squeezed. "I asked you a question, girl," the voice said. "Do I make you nervous?" _

_ She knew then that he hadn't seen her shaking hands, only wished to fulfill his sick fantasies. She did as she had been taught; nodded, turned towards him, and glued on the shyest flirtatious smile she could manage.  _

_ His hair was neat, face clean shaven. His black suit suggested that he belonged to the merchant class of the city.  _

_ He  _ was _ able to afford the luxury of the Menagerie, after all.  _

_ The man's hand came up under her chin and she felt the cold touch of a signet ring under her jaw. He pressed a rough kiss against her lips, teeth biting at her lip, tongue aggressive in its assaults.  _

_ In that moment, she wanted nothing more than to wrench her jaw away from his grasp and stab his tie pin into his eye.  _

_ But she couldn't. She was powerless. _

_ She was powerless as he pushed her backwards until the backs of her knees bumped into the bed.  _

"Inej?"

_ She was powerless as he lay her down, stripping the flimsy silks from her body.  _

"Inej, you're safe."

_ She was powerless as the familiar pain welcomed her.  _

There were arms holding her tight against the soft cotton of a man's shirt, a hand resting at the nape of her neck. 

Her stomach lurched. "No," she whimpered, shoving the man away. She reached for her knives.

"Inej, wait!" The man was stumbling back towards her, hands held out, unthreatening. She didn’t buy his act; many of the men in the Menagerie played nice until they were on top of her. She managed to get one of her knives out before the man had grabbed her wrists, forcing her to drop it. 

He used his leverage to move her until his chest was pressed against her back, his hands still holding her wrists now crossed over her chest. 

She felt tears on her face, and her heart pounded in her breast. 

"Inej, it's me, Kaz. I'm not going to hurt you."

"Get off me!" She shoved her hips back and stumbled from his grasp. She fell to the floor and didn't get up for what felt like hours, tears on her face. 

After a long while, a hand landed on her shoulder, but she was too tired to care. She had spent her entire life since the Menagerie trying to escape the memories and the vulnerability. 

She had learned to retreat into her mind. To disappear. To disappear and not return until the man was finished with her. 

Nothing happened to  _ her. _ Only the body she left behind.

"Inej?" She had stopped crying, but she was cold; shivering. “Can you hear me? I brought you some water.”

She peeled her swollen eyes open and looked up into Kaz’s worried face. “Thank you.” Her voice was hoarse, and her knees ached from crashing to the hard, wooden floor. She sat up stiffly, taking his outstretched hand. 

“Are you okay?” Was she?

“I… I’m not sure. I haven’t-- well not like that-- not in a long time.” Inej accepted the cup of water. Took a sip. Kaz sat beside her, and rubbed his bad leg. 

“Was it the Menagerie?” She could feel his eyes on her, but she stayed silent. The candle sizzled softly in the quiet that Inej refused to fill. “Maybe if you talked about it, you might feel a little better. I want you to know you don’t have to bear it alone anymore.”

Inej set the cup down on the wooden floorboards so quickly some of the water splashed out. She stood. “I’m leaving in the morning.”

“Inej, you don’t--” He reached for her hand.

“I’m sorry, Kaz.” She swiped at her cheeks. “I’m sorry I can’t--” she cut herself off. Why was he looking at her like that? His dark brows furrowed, coffee eyes soft, the barest hint of a frown tracing his lips. “I’ll see you soon.”

The only thought filling her mind as she made her way back to  _ The Wraith  _ was a wish that she could run all the way back to Kaz and let him kiss her senseless, but she had to conquer something inside her soul before she could. 

She would be back.

  
  


Inej loved the sea. To smell the salt in the air and taste the damp. To Inej, the sea was freedom. The wind tore at her tunic as she stood at the bow of the ship, watching as the land grew closer. 

The rocky shores of Ravka were fast approaching. “Specht!”

“Yes, Captain?” Came the reply.

“Let’s try not to kill the entire crew on the rocks, shall we?” She smirked over her shoulder at him in time to see him flush. 

“Yes, Captain.” He gave the crew the orders, and soon the sails were tied up, ropes flung across the deck. 

When the ship pulled into port, she went down into the hold where a dozen or so hammocks swung. Some were occupied by green-faced children, others with sleeping bodies.

“Any of you who are stopping here in Os Kervo, gather your things.” She spoke in Ravkan, but a few of the others helped translate. She moved through the rows of hammocks handing out small purses filled with coins taken from various slaving ships. “This should help you on your journey, and at least get you some decent lodgings.”

She stood at the top of the gangway as the children she had saved walked onto land, free at last.

A thin Suli girl, holding the hand of what must have been her little brother went past. A Zemmeni boy, who was nearly a young man nodded at her as he moved on. A pale-skinned Ravkan girl grasped her hand in thanks before stepping off.

Inej waited until the last girl had gone before she turned back to the crew. “We’ll port here tonight, but tomorrow morning we’re off again.”

The crew cheered and she shook her head with a smile. They loved celebrating their victories. She would rather stay on the ship but how could she resist when Naomi gave her that smile as she pulled her hand towards a pub that night. A portion of the crew had been left on the ship, but those who had shore-leave crowded into the warm bar.

“Come on, Captain!” Tagehn grinned wickedly, slamming a pint of lager in front of her.

Inej didn’t usually drink; she didn’t like the fuzzy, disconnected feeling it gave her. But she was a pirate now, for saints’ sake. Besides, she deserved to loosen up every once in a while.

Cheers went up and mugs were in the air, clanking together happily. “To freedom!” Someone shouted. “To the sea!” 

“To the Wraith!” Hands clapped her shoulder, shouts rang in her ears.

After an hour or so, Inej left the crew to celebrate themselves. She was tying her cloak around her shoulders when a soft voice behind her stopped her in her tracks.

“Inej?” 

She turned. She could have sworn... “Nina?” Sure enough, the girl’s green eyes and brown curls were almost exactly the same as the day she had last seen her. “How on the saints’ good earth did you find me?”

“Oh, you know. I followed the sounds of the drunk pirates screaming ‘The Wraith’ and here you are.” Nina winked.

The girls embraced. “It’s been so long! What are you doing in Ravka?” Nina pulled away.

“We were helping some of the children we rescued get home. What are you doing in Os Kervo? Shouldn’t you be at the Little Palace?”

“I’m on a mission, actually. Zoya finally believed that I could find and recruit Grisha all on my own. It’s not like I’m a teenager anymore, but she really took some convincing. I was actually planning to find passage on a ship to Fjerda.” Nina’s eyes grew distant. Inej knew she must be thinking about Mattias; it was a look she had become familiar with before Nina had left for the Little Palace.

“Well,” Inej said as she looped her arm through Nina’s. “I think you might be in luck, because I just happen to know the captain of one of the fastest ships on the True Sea.”

“Getting cocky, are you?”  _ There she was. _ Inej shrugged. 

“I’m in a cocky mood.”

“No, what you are is tipsy.” 

“I am not.” But her cheeks felt warm, despite the chill breeze blowing her hair against her face. “Okay, maybe a little bit.”

They walked in silence, and Inej wasn’t even sure where they were going. 

“How are Jes and Wylan?” Nina tucked her hair behind her ear.

“Helplessly in love, as always. You know, every time I dock in Ketterdam, I swear they’re even more in love than the last time.” Inej snorted. 

“Is that even possible?” Nina’s laugh was like a bubbling stream.

“I ask myself that every time I dock in Ketterdam and see them look at each other.”

“What about you and Kaz?” Inej tripped, and felt her warm cheeks heat even more.

“What  _ about  _ me and Kaz?” She tried to ignore the guilt rising in her chest. She had left him alone, hadn’t even sent him a letter after… after… Her smile faded.

Nina stopped, concerned. “What happened?” Inej couldn’t resist. She told her everything. She spilled her heart to Nina in the back alleys of the Ravkan port town.

She had a vague inkling in the back of her mind that if she were entirely sober, she would definitely not be having this conversation, but she ignored it. Nina could help her.

Besides, she wouldn’t mind being able to catch up with her friend, even if only for a week or so. 

A month later, she was back in Ketterdam. 

It was night, but the city never slept. When the sun went down, the city came alive. Inej traipsed through the canals, bundling her cloak tighter as a light snow began to fall.

_ “What am I going to do next time I see him?”  _ She had asked Nina before they parted ways. 

_ “You need to talk to him. Once you explain why you have a hard time, you can work through it together.” _ Inej had hummed, unsure, but she had promised Nina she would try.

Then she had hugged her goodbye. Inej wondered idly when she would see her friend again. Would it be months? Years? 

She turned towards the Barrel, taking in the familiar sights of the city. Flickering street lights sputtered when snow landed on them. Barkers stood outside of dens, promising warm hutspot and lager.

She paused, taking a moment to observe the visible puffs of warm breath in the frigid air. Winter hadn’t quite taken full hold yet, but within the next few weeks, the sea would be nearly untraversable. 

So she had brought her ship to port in the one place that she called home. 

Inej defied gravity to climb the side of a building on the edge of the Barrel and picked her way towards the Slat. She was going to take Nina’s advice.  _ Talk to him. _

It should have been easy, but just the thought of seeing him made her stomach turn. 

She perched on his windowsill and looked in to find an empty, darkened room. He wasn’t here. Inej cursed. She didn’t want to go out into the snow to find him.

With numb fingers, she picked the lock on the window. Kaz had given her first pair of lockpicks to her when she had first joined the Dregs. He’d also been the one to teach her how to use them. While she had never had the same level of skill as him, she knew enough to pick the simple window lock.

Inej tumbled inside, brushing the snow from her hair. She closed the window behind her, and stepped over to Kaz’s desk. She lit a few of the candles sitting there and let her fingers hover over the warmth of the little flame until she felt the tingle of life flow back into them. 

Her cloak was damp, so she hung it on the hook usually reserved for Kaz’s tailored overcoat. It dripped onto the floor as the snow melted off of it. He wouldn’t be too happy about that, she thought with a smirk.

She wandered around the room for a while, trying to keep occupied until his inevitable return. Eventually, her eyelids began to droop and she sat on the bed, determined to stay awake. But she had gotten far too little rest over the last few days. She spent her days finishing up her duties before they wintered in Ketterdam, and tossed and turned for hours, contemplating the situation with Kaz. 

To ache for his touch but not be able to bear it without the nightmares returning.

She fell asleep curled up on top of Kaz’s comforter, memories of the dark time resurfacing, twisting, changing in her dreams. 

Many of the scenarios in her nightmares were familiar to her. She never escaped the hell of Tante Heleen’s clutches, or she was killed by one of the men who paid to spend the night with her, like so many of the other girls on the West Stave.

When she was awake, she knew the things she saw when she closed her eyes weren’t real. But asleep, trapped in her dreams, she felt the same she had every single day in the Menagerie.

She’d thought getting closer to Kaz would help.

It just made things worse.

She was ruined, untouchable, but Kaz didn’t seem to mind. He had overcome the obstacles dragging him down into the depths. Why couldn’t she?

She didn't wake when Kaz arrived, dawn just beginning to kiss the horizon. She didn't hear him take off his jacket. Didn't feel the bed dip when he sat beside her. 

Instead she continued to sleep until the sun was fully up, shining brightly off the snow. With a yawn, she pried her eyes open. She hadn't slept well, but she came fully awake when she felt a warm someone pressed against her. 

Within seconds, she had her knife against the throat of the intruder. "Good morning to you too," the man coughed. 

"Kaz?" Her heart was racing. 

"Do you always sleep with a knife under your pillow?" 

"Sorry," she mumbled, sheathing it. "I didn't hear you come in." Kaz cracked a smile. 

"That was kind of the point. I wanted to let you sleep." He lifted himself up onto his elbows. "C'mere," he said before he pressed a soft kiss against her lips. 

Inej pulled away after a few moments. "Hi." She smiled at him. His hair had fallen into his eyes, but it was longer now. "Did you change your hair?"

"Is my barber offended?" He asked with a smirk. 

"No." She ran her fingers through the strands. "I like it, actually."

"Hey…," Inej's heart pounded as his tone grew more serious. "Are you alright? Last time you left in a hurry."

"I'm fine," she said, stiffly.  _ Too  _ stiffly. She sighed, looked into his coffee brown eyes. “I can’t get them out of my head Kaz.” He didn’t bother asking who she meant. “Sometimes, you touch me and…,” she felt nauseous. “And it isn’t  _ you _ touching me.” She looked away.

“Do you  _ want  _ me to touch you?” He tilted his head, concern in his eyes.

“Yes.”  _ Saints yes. _ “And I want to touch  _ you _ , too.” 

“If there’s anything you need me to do,” he shifted, taking her hand in his, “I’ll do my best.” Inej looked at the desk where the candles had burned low. “I mean it, Inej. Even if we need to take a step back.”

“Can we try something different?” Her voice was quiet, unsure.

Kaz grinned at her. “Whatever you need.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you all so much for following this little journey. I usually have a hard time getting into the writing mode, but with this story I just couldn't stop! Thank you so so so much and I hope that you enjoyed reading this creation of my overactive imagination. <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! This came out of a furious writing session on my phone at midnight (aka I should have been sleeping hehe) but I actually like how it came out. If you'd like, drop me a comment; I'd love to hear your thoughts! :D


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